Over the last few months or so I have been in a slump. I've thought about the why of this slump a lot and I think I can contribute it a lot to having another baby. I love everything about my little Calvin. I really really do. But the truth is that having a baby changes things up a lot. You're all of the sudden on a new schedule and you have another little person to care for and keep happy. You sort of lose yourself... well you give yourself to this new baby. You can imagine that baby #2 threw me for a bit of a loop considering that I love my consistent schedule and my me-time. Anyhow... generally I feel like I adjust really well after having a baby. Minus one important thing... staying on top of my spiritual well-being. After I have a baby I am all sorts of motivated to eat healthy and exercise. I get out and about to stay sane. I really do feel like things go well for the most part. Unfortunately... I have always struggled with my "spiritual upkeep" and so having a baby made that even harder.
When I say "spiritual upkeep" I mostly mean being consistent with my scripture study and prayer. I don't know why it's always been hard for me but I have some ideas. It's partially because I probably goofed off in seminary too much and never "learned" how to study. It's partially because I have never found a good time in the day that works best. It's partially because I have (and always have had) a hard time focusing while reading/studying unless it's quiet.... aka nap time but all you mommas know the struggle of deciding what to do during precious nap time. It's partially because I just don't know where to start. It's not because I don't want to study. I really do. I know that when I do study the scriptures that I am blessed with guidance on how to be a better wife and mother. I am blessed with the spirit and I am more patient and loving. I have seen this happen in my life as I have studied... so what has been the hang up? Why have I been in this slump?
A few weeks ago I finally realized (after multiple swift kicks in the bum by general authorities, etc.) that I needed to stop wasting time not bettering myself through scripture study. It was time to make things happen and figure it out. And so I just sat down with my scriptures and said a prayer pleading with my Father in Heaven that he would guide my thoughts and actions and that I would be able to study and learn what I personally needed to learn. And sure enough that's exactly what happened. And that is what has happened every day for almost three weeks now. I haven't studied at the same time for any of those days but I am learning that either during Calvin's first nap or after bedtime is working well. Either way... the Lord answered my prayers. Because He loves me and wants me to become better. That's why He has given us this restored gospel. Because He loves us!
Today in Sunday school we talked about different attributes of Christ and our teacher made a great point about being sympathetic/empathetic and non-judgmental. She made the point that our whole lives we have been taught that we need to work our bums off so that we can get the best grades, scores, and times in school and sports, etc. We have been taught to be competitive and unfortunately that often translates over into our spiritual lives. But spiritually there is no competition. There is no first or second place. We are all working towards the same goal... returning to live with our families and our Father in Heaven. We need to lift one another up and serve and love one another so that we can all reach that goal.
I have been lifted up by wonderful examples in my life. Especially over the last six months when I just kept feeling more and more lame. I have been so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people. I have been incredibly blessed to have a husband that loves and encourages me and leads by example in our home.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know that part of that plan includes struggling with scripture study and prayer. I know that through these struggles I have developed a stronger testimony of the importance of scripture study and prayer. I'm so glad that I have this testimony to lean back on and rely on so that when/if I do fall back into a slump I can remember the joy, peace, and direction that scripture study and prayer brings me.
How blessed we are to have the restored gospel on the earth. We have temples where we can be sealed to our families for all eternity. We have prophets and apostles that lead Christ's church through revelation from God. We have prayer to communicate our needs and gratitude to God and we have the Book of Mormon and Bible through which God teaches us and answers our personal prayers.
There is no where else in the world where you can find the joy that Christ brings. He loves all of us and I am so grateful that He answers my prayers and blesses me... as lame and undeserving as I may feel, He is always there.
Yep, yep, yep. I totally relate to this post. I want SO much to be getting in amazing scripture study! But, the WHEN has been a struggle since numero dos (sheesh I'm about to add numero tres, soooooo...I will have to figure it out again!) I guess for me, I just set out my scriptures on the kitchen table, and before I take a nap or hop on facebook, like during the boys' afternoon nap, I take 10 or 15 minutes to study the scriptures with a little notepad to write any personal thoughts or impressions. 10 minutes isn't incredible, but I feel like the Lord magnifies any effort we make and helps me gain at least one or two uplifting insights from every study. WHEN is still hard (mornings are crazy, evenings and right before bed, I am tired and want to zone out, and my study isn't very effective, cause I keep fighting to keep my brain on task)...but when I can read during nap time, (either both of the boys sleeping, or baby sleeps and Hayden watches a kid show on the i-pad) then it seems to work better. But, I know what you mean...when I am not trying, and just making excuses like, "Oh but it's so hard to fit it scripture study and good prayer cause I have two little kids..." that totally doesn't cut it with the Lord. Cause He knows that I can fit in 10 minutes. And He doesn't want me to quit trying!!!! :) Someday when our kids are all in school, we can have awesome half and hour studies in the morning (sounds so luxurious!) but for now, we do our best and keep trying for consistency. :) You are so awesome, Katelyn and I love that you shared your thoughts! This has definitely been tricky for me too, so you're not alone. :) ANd, you've made me want to try harder, both on the amount of study I get in, but also the quality. I also like listening to a conference talk on my phone while I get ready. (When I actually get ready, ha) We gotta sneak our study in! OH, and my sister said that now her kids are a little older (youngest is almost 3) and all are sleeping well through the night, she reads in the morning before any of them get up and it is really nice. Personally, I don't know if I'll ever get to that point cause I am SO not a morning person, but it sounds peaceful. :)
ReplyDeleteThis was so great, and I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who struggles with spiritual upkeep, post-baby or not. Thanks for your insights. And for another kick in the bum to motivate me. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I have found myself in the same situation. I want to study so deeply but haven't made the time, even if it feels like I don't have the time. Thank you for this post!
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